Wednesday, April 28, 2010

To worry or not to worry....

Surprisingly, I am calm. My brain is going a thousand miles an hour, thinking of what ifs, trying to decipher what this could mean. Not exactly sure just yet, but I am thinking it isn't positive, no matter how you twist it.  We wanted answers, we got it. Just didn't think it would be this.  Thought, "Yeah, maybe something was blocking my intestine or just causing an irritation. Perhaps I am allergic to something that was causing the pains in my stomach." I did not think, nor ever thought I would have a tumor in my intestine. Whether it is benign or not, we won't find out for two weeks, to a month. (Two weeks if it is good news and then send me a letter- month if they wish to see me in the office and bestow the not-so-good news).
Sigh, either way, it looks like the treatment for the tumor/lesion is some kind of removal anyways. What I am worried about is Mike. He seems more worried than I am, and he hasn't been sleeping well, and he stays up nights worrying. I do not want him to worry and want him to take care of himself. I worry more about him worrying. Sigh, endless cycle. Oh well. I guess we will see what the next few weeks will bring. At least I can look forward to the girls book club meeting this weekend.  

Monday, April 26, 2010

Dreams and seascapes...

Nothing makes me more happy than to see the new books coming my way.  I am so excited to see that I have new books- and I have old books that I still have to read as well.  The new books are parts of series that I have been enthusiastically reading for the past few years. I voraciously read through the pages in a day or two and then patiently wait for the next novel to appear.  They briefly inspire me to write my own books, but if only I could keep my attention span focused long enough to write. I had really good starts on a series, but unfortunately lost quite a bit of it when Mike uploaded Win 7 onto my laptop.  Sigh... now I must re- inspire myself to write again. How will I do it? I guess by reading more and more... and trying to write here and there. Must remember to save it on my flash drive, not on the computer this time!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

No Homers for me...

My team is no longer FULL speed ahead. It is sad... but expected. Sigh, oh well. But I am still doing well. Go Best! Team! Ever! haha.
The last few days have been a blur. Felt like I have been in a bubble. Not really existing, but floating along, wondering where I will drift to next. Hoping I won't pop. This week, I get to have the wonderful experience that is usually reserved for- wait for it- Senior Citizens. Colonscopy. Yuck. They think something in my upper intestine is causing my tummy/side pains. So, guess its better to figure out now what it may be. Just get to drink some nasty stuff. Ick!
Friday I get to go to the Seattle Reproductive Clinic in Tacoma and do a final test. Fun stuff, man. Woo hoo. Its life. Seeking answers to questions that you may not wish to ask, but just do anyways. I am definitely in a weird space today. I think I am going to go watch a movie. Yep. Cuddle with the cat and dog, listen to Mike guffaw as he plays L4D2 or CS downstairs, and watch...hmmm. The Young Victoria. Yep. Will do that. Hugs to you all.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Fantasy Fever Flash #2

Dude! Day 3, and I am still in the lead against the guys! Even Robbie Bob, Mike's brother. That is amazing. Go me! I wonder how long this will last. Hmm... will enjoy this while it will last. Enjoying..... I scored 100 pts today because of my Mariner's and Felix's pitching! You rock Mariners! Woo hoo! Go M's! Now if only Pujols would pull his weight. He is not scoring me any points like he is supposed to, and he was supposed to be one of my high scorers. LAME!

Sense of Empowerment...

Today was a LONG day. 9am- 9pm. It was worth it. The last vestigages of energy are leaving me as I write this. But ah, I feel a second wind. It was a beautiful day. I walked with coworkers before we went for the Forum this evening. We surveyed the beautiful blooms. Observed the lovely colors. I laughed so hard today at work, several times, that I cried. I was none too serious today. Oops. Who said I was supposed to be serious at work? The last few hours were spent at TACID, Tacoma Area Coalition for Individuals with Disabilities, listening to people speak at the State Council on Independent Living. (SCIL) It was the annual forum where everyone gets together and voices their concerns about what is going on for people with disabilities. Top issues this year- Yep, you guessed it. 1)TRANSPORTATION, or the terrible lack or incredible degrading quality thereof with Para-transit 2)Housing and Homelessness 3)Carepersons/families providing care and resources and the loss thereof as well 4)ADA information on curb cuts and continued WASH-DOT work in the State 5)Continued Advocacy for Disability Awareness in the State.

A resounding YES! is that we all wish to create a day in which we can march to our city centers to commemorate the 20th Anniversary of the signing of the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) which is this July. I even added my two cents that I truly think that the people with mental illness need to continue to educate the people they live and work with about MH in general to help fight the stigma. With the recent shootings and events having taken place, the media only gives people enough of the stories to stigmatize mental illness, giving society the impression that people who truly need medical psychological help in the first place, having not received it, are now obviously going to become violent and hurt others. I am on my soap box now. The data is there people. MacArthur findings were published in the May issue of the prestigious Archives of General Psychiatry, under the title "Violence by People Discharged from Acute Psvchiatric Inpatient Facilities and by Others in the Same Neighborhoods." The study does admit that drugs and alcohol increase violence in people with mental illness more than they do in the general population, but it concludes that, otherwise, these people are no more violent than anyone else. But people don't know this. They group everyone with a mental illness together in one big loop. If you have bipolar disorder, and because her lawyer got her diagnosed as such, then you are obviously related to Mary Kay Laturno and are going to go after someone's teenage son or daughter. What is the saying? An apple, is an apple, is an apple? But there are all sorts of different types of apples though you would still call them an apple. Different colors, different tastes.
A person may still have the same diagnosis as another, but it is their choices that makes them different and whether they choose to take their medications, and choose to do right or wrong. It is the media that chooses to focus on the 3% of those people who chose the dark side. But that does not mean all people with the diagnosis are going to make that choice or are predisposed to doing the same thing. Lord, I don't do ANY substances, so perhaps that is why I am safe. But who knows what drove these other people to their paths? Homelessness, lack of a job because of their disability, that lost their insurance to get medications, that caused the cyclical problem of having become homeless and ended up in the situation they got in. I am not making excuses for peoples behavior or choices. But there is a fatal flaw in our system. People are on the streets because they can't get the basic needs met so they can get off the streets- that is stability. Medically, emotionally, mentally, physically. 68% of homeless individuals in Pierce Co. have disabilities. What does that say to you? Who is getting screwed?
Okay- I am off my soap box now. I think I will go take my meds, my bath, and go to bed. Hugs to you all.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Fantasy Fever...

OMG... I just HAVE to say it, because it won't last long.
I mean it really won't. But as of 6:17pm PACIFIC Coast Standard time.
I am ahead of the guys after one nights game of play. I chose well Obi-wan!
Oh, wait. No, that was the Last Night of the Round Table in Indian Jones and the Last Crusades. Okay, well... I am at 74 for today. So far... overall, I am way behind because I started a week late so I am loser overall, but hey. I am glorying in my one moment ahead of all these guys who have years of experience in playing the Fantasy Baseball thingy...
Want to see how I am doing? Go to the link I attached at the right side of the page that says "Fantasy Baseball" My team name is "Best. Team. Ever." I know. Original. Isn't it? Haha!

No kidding...

So yesterday I made the joke at the end of my blog that " My car wouldn't start." Guess what. This morning, my car didn't start. Talk about self-actualization!! Mother cow!
I slept terribly last night, having these dreams that my mother died. Waking up in tears. But they didn't stop there. I would fall back to sleep and the deep sense of aloneness would set in. My mother's family really do not invite me to things, or want me around. I was disowned from my biological father's side of the family. For some reason, in my dreams, my stepfather's side of the family wanted nothing to do with me (which has not been the case, ever). In the dreams Mike's family didn't really welcome me yet because they didn't know me, and because of my disability. They thought I was weird and not good enough for Michael. (Probably my own inset insecurities there, obviously). Let's face it, I am pretty neurotic at times and that is okay with me. :) (Only I am allowed to say this though).

But it was this deep sense of isolation and loneliness that I felt. That I was so alone now that my mother was gone and I had no family; that there were nothing other surviving family members that would claim me. I also felt that I needed to have children, my own flesh and blood so that I could reclaim some of this connection; I could have that family connected to me and build that bond again. I woke up in tears several times last night. I know that so many people feel alone, and in truth we are all alone. Though we are surrounded by others, many people are probably feeling similar things. Kinda ironic in some ways. Alone, but not alone.

Still, I woke up energized and determined to start the day with a bright disposition. I looked out the window... Sigh, overcast. Oh, Look! Tulips-Blooming! Bulbs on Dogwood-Sprouting! Snow ball tree with little fragrant snowballs!! Yay! I was even 10 minutes early when I got into my car and realized, hmm... it isn't turning over. My car isn't even making a sound. Ah, crap. How felicitous is this? haha... I laughed. Really. I laughed and called Mike, who was still sleeping and woke him up to tell him about my non-functioning coche!
Oh, well. Se la vi. I guess the emotional day turned out okay- Now I will go sing at choir practice with the Evergreen Chorale. Every practice Pat Michel's, the director, always offers some kind of new insight that I have to share... and share I will. Singing is my outlet and provides some kind of solace to my tender heart. Music provides the lightening rod for the storm, or the strainer for the tea that pours the overflow of emotions that cannot be contained or encapsulated by the mere mortal form that is me.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Watch Out World!

So I woke up this morning, completely energized. This is SO not like me. I had in my mind, "This has got to be a great day." It was a good day. How is it when you think something to yourself, and believe that it will be, than it comes into being? The self actualization of what can be, becomes what is? Does this work for all things?
Like those really crappy days when I wake up saying, "I hate today. I do NOT want to get my butt out of bed. I am (determined, groan, piss on you world) to have a bad day." And, low and behold, my day sucks ass! Sigh. If all the pithy little arguments I had with myself in the morning could just be frozen in time so I could remind myself that I am a self-fulfilling prophecy. That if I believe that I will have a good day then; dammit!, I will make it so I will have a good day. Even if that means I have to go get myself that new book that just came out that I wanted so badly. (Sigh, commercialism does not equal true happiness but does bring moments of said happiness from the time reading thereafter). I digress, again.

I do not believe that if I thought long and hard enough, or believed hard enough that I was, supergirl, for instance, that I could therefore fly and be faster than s speeding bullet. No... though that would be cool though. The tights would be a pain, and I look terrible in those colors combined. Really, who did her wardrobe? Crap, stream of consciousness.

It is the act of waking up in the morning, knowing that there throughout the day to come, I may have some unfortunate events occur. There may be some really not nice people to deal with, and I-5 traffic, and coworkers in bad moods who find I am the perfect person to take it out on. I, however, will put my faith in myself. The belief that I will be in good humour throughout it all, and that it is one day in a series of many, many more and that no matter what, today can't be too bad. I have had A LOT worse, and I mean some really really bad days. So, I will wake up today, tomorrow, and the day after, and say- "Watch out world. Here I come. I am going to have a GREAT Day." Reminds me of a song we sang in Choir of the West, or Choral Union.... GREEE-AAAT DAY! Great Day the Righteous Marchin...

Sigh. Then the car won't start... Great day, I tell ya. It was a great day!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Welcome! The week looks to be arduous and long but exciting!

Life in fast forward...

You know, I don't know who will read this, or if anyone will. Don't care really. It will be my musings, my meanderings, my moments of life as I trespass into the unknown, seek understanding, and reach for uniqueness in my own way.
Lord knows I have enough barriers in day to day life, but I needed an outlet, a way to just write for me and for some reason it was easier to just sit and type it out at times than write in my journal- where ever I am. (So I apologize now, for typos or misspellings if I am typing quickly on the run while I don't have time to fix the fiendish thoughts pouring through my fingertips as fingers can't keep up with my stream of consciousness thoughts. I tend to leave out words once in awhile).

For those who may read what I write, it will tell of comings and goings, my books that I am reading, the books I am trying to write (sigh the starts were erased my a helpful husband- ARGH! never again!), hopes and dreams for the future. Life moves pretty fast, and as Ferris Bueller put it... "If you don't stop and enjoy it once in awhile, you may miss it." So, I am going to try and find the great and wonderfuls each day, and in what I do. That about sums it up.... Enjoy!